Trump’s Bounty – Snarky Skits

Setting: Trump Tower Apartment

Donald Trump<Knocking>

Donald  Trump: You may enter the realm.

Staff 1: Donald Trump, sir? We have some news before your next press conference.

Staff 2: It is very important.

Donald Trump: It had better be. I was just getting ready to break my high score. I am going to crush this guy! This guy won’t know what hit him!

Staff 1: You are playing the game that you produced called “Donald Trump’s Real Estate
Tycoon”? You are on the last level?

Staff 2: Sir, you are literally playing against yourself.

Donald Trump: I will crush him like an ant!

Staff 1: OK. Let’s put this controller down for a minute here. We need to brief you before your press conference.

Staff 2: Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman has put a bounty on your head for the insults you have leveled against the people of Mexico and the personal insults against him.

Donald Trump: So what? The US has a bounty on his head too. We will destroy him!

Staff 1: Well, sir, the bounty on “El Chapo” is 3 million dollars. The bounty on you is 100 million dollars.

Donald Trump: What! The bounty on me is higher?

Staff 2: Yes, sir! You win!

Donald Trump: I win?

Staff 1: Yes, sir! You are clearly more valuable than “El Chapo” which is why your bounty is higher.

Donald Trump: More valuable? I win? Why yes, I do win! I am the winner!

Staff 2: Yes sir.

Donald Trump: Even so, I want to be sure I am safe.

Staff 1: Yes, sir. We have doubled the guards and have a bullet proof vest for you to wear.

Donald Trump: I don’t see more guards.

Staff 2: They are chamoflauged. I have some bulletproof hair spray so your toupee will double as a helmet.

<aerosol sound>

Donald Trump: Good idea. Why does the bullet proof vest look like a down jacket?

Staff 1: This is to fool the public. This will show “El Chapo” that you are not afraid. You are just a little chilly.

Donald Trump: It is pretty light.

Staff 2: North Face has prefected personal armor over the years. It is poofy Kevlar. Only the best for you, sir.

Donald Trump: How do I look?

Staff 1: Let’s add a little more fake tan cream to your face. Orange is your color, sir. There. Perfect. You are ready to tell the world you are the voice of courage that America needs.

Staff 2: Give ’em hell, sir! Go hit that billionaire drug chartel king where he lives. Give ’em your best shot!

Donald Trump: Yeah! I am the winner, “El Chapo”! You are the loser!

<door slams>

Staff 2: You told him we doubled the guard?

Staff 1: You told him his toupee was bulletproof?

Staff 2: What IS poofy Kevlar anyway?

<Both laughing>

Staff 2: That 100 million dollar bounty is ours!

Staff 1: High 5!



Written by Sue Sierralupe – All rights reserved

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