Church of Enron – Marketing – Snarky Skits

St Ronald of the Church of Enron

St Ronald of the Church of Enron

Setting: Church of Enron – A house of worship for the 1%

<choir/organ music in the background>

Bishop -Blessed be the 1%. Thank you for gathering with me today. The Church of Enron is pleased with the service both of you have extended to our flock.

Brother Ronald and Sister Ayn- Thank you Bishop. Blessed be the 1%.

Bishop – Sister Ayn of Marketing? Brother Ronald of Accounting has been tasked with gathering more tithes for some upcoming projects.

Sister Ayn – Projects?

Brother Ronald – Church secrets. You will be briefed later.

Bishop – As you know, the only way to be a part of the Church of Enron is to be a billionare. The monthly tithe is 10% of their income (which is, of course, a tax write off.)  The upcoming projects require more money. Rather than increasing the tithe, Brother Ronald and I have a suggestion that we think would be good for our church and it’s patrons. We believe that the skill base that you have been blessed with will be of assistance.

Sister Ayn – As long as it is reflected in my salary, I am always happy to help.

Bishop – Wisely spoken, wisely spoken. Brother Ronald, as this was your idea, I think you should begin.

Brother – Thank you, Bishop. We, at the Church of Enron, have some parishioners that influence public policy. Before we feed the idea to them, we want a positive spin on this so that Congress is able to pass this new law through without upsetting the voters.

Sister Ayn – Why don’t we just offer theology that helps the lives of all humans no matter what their income level and open our church to every believer? We could still get a tithe but it would be from the poor AND the rich alike.

<Dead silence>

Sister Ayn – I’m kidding, I’m kidding!

<Laughter>

Bishop – Sister Ayn, you have a cunning wit.

Sister Ayn- Thank you Bishop. What is your idea?

Brother Ronald – We propose that we decrease Federal minimum wage to $6 an hour  and then increase tax to 1/4 of their income.

Sister Ayn – That would gut the working class.

Bishop – That’s correct. With so little money coming in to employees’s bank accounts, we would then encourage companies to build company stores and housing. They could have company towns even. We would then take over the schools. We could offer practical, on-the-job training for the children of employees in mines or factories thus ensuring a future of employees that are so dispirited that protest is unthinkable.

Brother Ronald – The employees would be indentured to the company. You know, like servants. Hey! We could call them indentured servants or maybe we could just bring back an old fashioned term like … um … slavery.

Sister Ayn – I like where you are going with this. It would mean increased prosperity for our parishioners. In order to put it past the American people though we will need better terms. Instead of saying that we are decreasing the Federal wage, we will say we are increasing it and making it mandatory for each state to follow.

Bishop – But the current Federal wage is $7.25 per hour. Many states offer even higher minimum wage than that.

Sister Ayn – Ah! But some states do not! Places like Georgia and Wyoming only offer food service and domestic workers $5.15 an hour. While other states like Lousiana, Tennessee and Mississippi have no minimum wage at all.

Brother Ronald – What do we care about those states? Their economies are crushed. I don’t want to make them better. That is where I was planning on getting the first wave of my own slaves.

Sister Ayn – Here is where the cleverness of the plan really lies. When the other states complain that you are decreasing their minimum wage, you remind them that this new law will be helping the other states that have long neglected their working class. The $6 an hour wage is being sold as helping those other states. Don’t they care about the people of Wyoming? Some sacrifices must be made!

Bishop – I see. While we are dragging the working class into the drudgery of endentured servitiude, we point out that others have it worse. We will guilt them into complying. Brilliant!

Brother Ronald – What about the tax hike?

Sister Ayn – That’s easy. You will already have a population struggling with despair. Just tell them that some random country is threatening our freedom and we need more money for defense. Fear always sells.

Brother Ronald – In the meantime, our billionare parishioners will be making money hand over fist and their tithes to us will multiply! You truly are gifted, Sister Ayn. The marketing department is blessed to have you.

Sister Ayn – You’ll get my bill.

Bishop – Let us pray…..

<choir/organ music swells in background>

End

 

Written by Sue Sierralupe – All rights reserved

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