Martin Shkreli’s Big Idea – Snarky Skits

pillsSetting: Board meeting of Turing Pharmacueticals

<gavel sound>

Chairman of the Board: Attention, attention. The meeting of the Turing Pharmeceuticals Board will now come to order. The first item on our agenda is the Treasurer’s report.

Treasurer: Thank you Chairman. I am passing out a printed report of our cincome and spending over the last 3 months. I also included a graph with our stock prices in which you will note… Oh. Martin Shkreli, our CEO has just arrived.

Martin Shkreli: Oh hey, bros. Sorry about the time thing. I was tweeting with Donald Trump, yeah bro, THAT Donald Trump. He is one crazy dude.

Treasurer: Oh, I was passing out our financial statements. Here is one for you too.

Martin Shkreli: No, man. I’m cool. As long as you keep writing me those checks. Money, money, money. Know what I mean, dude?

Treasurer: I’m a female. You do know that, right?

Martin Shkreli: A chick that does math? Whoa. Crazy. Any way, I came here to tell you all that our fortunes are made! I just picked up a couple of awesome patents that are going to make us richer than our wildest dreams.

Board member: You had better have a good patent because your half baked plan to make money by upping the cost of that toxiplasmitosa drug backfired.

Chairman: Daraprim is the name of drug. Toxoplasmosis is the name of the disease.

Board member: I don’t care what it is called! This whipper snapper jacked the price 5000% and we got hit with a congressional investigation for it. Not to mention that other god damn company is selling their version of same pill for $1! Are you trying to crush our company?

Martin Shkreli: Whoa! Slow down old-timer. This is all part of master plan! Check this out. So I managed to grease some wheels and picked up the patent on aspirin.

Chairman: Asprin? That is an antique drug. It sells for $1 a bottle! Why would you do that?

Martin Shkreli: It sells for a buck a bottle NOW. Not after we get hold of it. I also picked up a patent on asthma inhallers.

Board member: Now we’re talking! Sales on those are skyrocketing. Air pollution is making those necessary all over the world.

Martin Shkreli: That’s not all. I picked up one more thing: a medical procedure. I bought the patent on breathing.

Chairman: Breathing is not a medical procedure.

Martin Shkreli: It is in China.

Treasurer: Mr. Shkreli is right, I’m afraid. According to the latest study, 1.6 million people die in China last year because of air pollution. I understand most of that has to do with the coal industry.

Martin Shkreli: Those numbers could easily be transferred to the US. The EPA has been under attack from both the Senate and Congress for the past 6 years.  All we have to do is pour our profits from the aspirin mark up into lobbying against the EPA and WHAM! We got coal plants everywhere! We’re selling asthma inhallers like nobody’s business and breathing becomes a medical procedure right here in the USA!

Board member: I can just see it now: iron lung machines as far as the eye can see. <sighs happily>

Chairman: Martin, you are brilliant. Sorry I ever doubted you.

Treasurer: I don’t know about this. It seems wrong. In fact, the whole concept is giving me a headache.

Martin Shkreli: A headache? I’m sorry dude. Want an aspirin?

Treasurer: Sure.

Martin Shkreli: That’ll be $1000.


Written by Sue Sierralupe – All rights reserved

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