Setting: Insurance company office
Ponzi: Ah! It’s the Klepner family. Right on time! Sit down, sit down. Let’s get this meeting started. I am Mr. Ponzi. I will be explaining your health insurance options with Deep Pockets Insurance today.
Mr. Klepner: It’s a pleasure to meet you, sir. My company seems to have a lot of trust in you. They are referring all their employees to your office.
Ponzi: Yes, we have had a long standing relationship with your company but let’s get to business, shall we? There’s a football game tonight that I am sure you are excited to see.
Mr. Klepner: I saw that your company was sponsoring it too. Do you cover the players when they get injured?
Ponzi: We are not that kind of insurance company. We specialize in helping the little guy, the working warrior as it were. People like you and your family, Mr. Klepner. Our coverage is mostly for people that work behind the scenes. The janitors, retail clerks and ticket sales staff. Any popcorn related injuries are covered by us.
Mrs. Klepner: Popcorn related injuries? Are there many of those?
Ponzi: None so far, thank God. Here is a packet of the items that we cover for families such as yours. It also has the list of providers we have approved and our copay schedule.
Johnny Klepner: Look mom! Popcorn injuries are on this list too.
Ponzi: Yes, yes. Let’s just move on to the paperwork that you and Mrs. Klepner will be signing.
Johnny: Where are the rest of the things that you cover? This only has 6 things: popcorn related injuries, duck related injuries, hair tumors…
Mrs. Klepner: Hair can get tumors?
Johnny: … hang nails, leprosy, and paper cuts.
Ponzi: Paper cuts sure do burn. You’ll be glad you signed onto Deep Pockets Insurance after you get one of those. Here you go. Just sign here.
Mr. Klepner: Leprosy? That seems pretty specific. Do you get a lot of those claims?
Ponzi: It just takes one, sir. With the new restriction about not precluding any pre-existing conditions and the apparent contagious nature of this disease, our lawyers (our former lawyers, I should say) couldn’t get out of paying for that so now we all have to pay for it. Thanks Obama! Now just sign this form, sir.
Johnny: Dad! That paper says “Agreement to Sell Organs”. He’s trying to harvest your kidney, Dad!
Ponzi: Oops! Wrong form. What a sharp kid you have there. Maybe you’d like to get some candy from the candy bowl in the hall for the next 20 minutes.
Johnny: No, I’m good. Is that a bottle of chloroform?
Ponzi: It’s just a decoration, kid.
Mrs. Klepner: According to this brochure, the co-pays start at $10,000. That is in addition to $1,000 per month premium.
Ponzi: I know that $1,000 per month per adult seems like a lot but little Johnny here is only $500 per month. We, at Deep Pockets, are family friendly. That’s a $500 monthly discount.
Mrs. Klepner: That’s more than my monthly income. That’s more than our mortgage! My job will be dedicated entirely to paying for insurance that we can’t use.
Ponzi: Time to ask for a raise! Here’s the form to sign and we will have that insurance card in the mail to you by the end of the month.
Johnny: Dad! It’s the same Organ Harvesting form! He’s after your kidneys again.
Mr. Klepner: What are you trying to pull, Mr. Ponzi?
Ponzi: An honest mistake, an honest mistake. Ah, here’s the form we need.
Mrs. Klepner: This one asks us to agree to sell our first born son into slavery. I am not signing that one either.
Ponzi: Are you sure? Did you see the discount you get on your monthly premiums for him? Look, you really don’t have much choice here. Your company signed exclusive signing rights with Deep Pockets Insurance. You wouldn’t want to pay the fine the government demands for not having insurance, would you?
Mr. Klepner: We are not signing any of these forms. This is extortion! The fine is less than one month of your premiums. We’d be better off paying that at the end of the year and trusting our luck. We are leaving!
Ponzi: You’ll be back, Klepner family! The first sign of leprosy or popcorn related injuries and you’ll come crawling back for my help! Let’s just hope you don’t get salt in those paper cuts on the way! They burn! Burn, I say!
Ponzi: If it weren’t for that meddling kid, I’d have a cooler full of organs right now! That’s another bathtub filled with ice wasted!
Written by Sue Sierralupe – All rights reserved
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