Capitol Hill Santa – Snarky Skits

santaSetting: Santa’s Congressional Spending Workshop

Santa: Ho, ho, ho! Gather round children. I have toys for all the good little boys and girls here at Capitol Hill.

<children’s voices>

Santa: One at a time, one at a time. Ho, ho, ho. Ok, little boy, what’s your name?

Defence Contracts: My name is Defense Contracts. I represent billions of dollars in unaccounted waste which hasn’t been audited in over 20 years.

Santa: Ho, ho, ho. Have you been a good little boy this year?

Defense Contracts: Sorry Santa, that information is classified.

Santa: Not to Santa, little boy. Do you want a present this year?

Defense Contracts: I want 496 billion dollars but if you ask questions like that, we may need to discuss whether the North Pole is a terror target or not. Some of those reindeer dropped questionable poop bombs last Christmas. I wouldn’t want to send in a drone or 2.

Santa: Uh, Ok. Point taken. I’ll have to talk to our head elf, Obama, about that one. Until then, little Defense Contracts, here’s a couple of shiny new jets to play with.

Defense Contracts: Hooray! These are fun!

Santa: Be careful. Those cost 10.6 billion dollars.

Foriegn Trade: My turn!

Santa: Aren’t you a big boy? What’s your name?

Foriegn Trade: I’m Foriegn Trade. I want approval of the TPP for Christmas.

Santa: That’s a pretty big present for a little boy.

Foriegn Trade: It’s what I want and I always get what I want. I asked to get the lowest international tariff rate for goods being brought to the US and I got it. 1.3%. This is why so many jobs left the country and we import most of our manufactured goods. Now I want the TPP. I want it now!

Santa: Now see here, little Foriegn Trade, you should be happy with your tariff rate. Lots of other children in America have lost their jobs and are paying higher taxes in order to make up for the dent in federal income that low tariffs represent.

Foriegn Trade: I don’t care about American children. They should just work harder because they’re lazy. I want my TPP! I want my TPP! If you don’t give it to me, I will expose your elf slavery allegations to the world!

Santa: Now, now son. I will talk to Obama Elf and see what we can do for you. Look what I have for you: a Cayman Island tax dodge! Now go play with your accountant friends and be a good boy. Who’s next?

Women’s Healthcare: Me! I’m next! May I have my turn now?

Santa: Aren’t you a sweet natured child? Were you a good little girl this year?

Women’s Healthcare: Yes, I was! I provided vital heathcare services and education for over 4 and 1/2 million Americans.

Santa: My goodness! You have been a busy girl. What’s your name, sweetie?

Women’s Healthcare: I’m Women’s Healthcare but most people call me Planned Parenthood.

Santa: By the Glow of Rudolf! You weren’t a good girl! You have been selling baby parts. Bad girl. No presents for you.

Women’s Healthcare: Now wait a minute! Are you talking about the video that mean kid, Whack Job Religious Extremist, made about me? I do donate fetal tissue with the patient’s consent and I ask for a donation from the research facility that we donate the tissue to to cover expensive transportation costs. Most hospitals do the same. That doesn’t mean I’m selling baby parts!

Santa: Hmmm. Well, that is a good point but you’ve seen how this system works. Do you have any potentially embarrassing information on me or my set up in the North Pole? Nothing on a potentially virulent STD for example?

Women’s Healthcare: I would never use patient information against them. That’s immoral!

Santa: Whew! What a relief! What do you want for Christmas?

Women’s Healthcare: I’d like my funding renewed so we can help more citizens both here in the US and around the world. We believe healthcare is a human right.

Santa: Eh. We’ll see about that. Until then, here’s a lump of coal to play with.

Women’s Healthcare: Ugh! This coal is waving a sign that says “Stop Choice”.

Santa: Have fun with that and here is a little doll to play with. It’s an acitve shooter doll called “Bug Eyed Joe”.

<sound of gunfire>

Women’s Healthcare: Argh! That hurts! Put it back in the sack! Put it back in the sack!

Santa: Nonsense! All girls like dolls. Merry Christmas everyone!


Written by Sue Sierralupe – All rights reserved

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