GOP Therapy Night – Snarky Skits

Donald TrumpSetting: Psychologist’s Office

Psychologist: Group 1? Group 1? Mr. Cruz, Mr. Rubio and Mr. Trump? Come in and find a chair, please.

Trump: You expect me to sit on a metal folding chair? These are for peasants!

Cruz: What kind of an operation are you running here, lady? <attempt at Bart Simpson impression action> Cowabunga!

Rubio: Ah, quit your griping. Just sit down and let’s get this over with. I got a campaign to run.

Trump: Rubio, your campaign is stupid. No one is going to vote for you.

Rubio: Shut up, Trump! You’re stupid. You’re the whole reason we’re in this counseling shit in the first place. If you hadn’t pressed the anti-immigration thing with your “Muslims should be barred from the US” rant, the GOP would never have mandated the namby-pamby shrink session!

Psychologist: Really? Gentlemen, please sit down. Mr. Rubio is correct in that the Republican Party asked me to meet with all the candidates in small groups as a sign of good faith to the voters. I am supposed to release a report stating that each of you are sane enough to be considered a reasonable leader.

Cruz: <As Ned Flanders> Oakaley dokaley, neighbor!

Psychologist: Let’s keep the Simpson character impersonations out of this session, Mr. Cruz. We’ll jump right in to the main topic, shall we? What is the first thing you think of when you think of immigrants? Mr. Cruz?

Cruz: Immigrant should be banned! It’s bad for America. Keep those Spanish speakers out of the system.

Psychologist: Mr. Cruz, it is interesting that you specify Spanish speakers as your own father Rafael, an Immigrant from Cuba, speaks Spanish. Your name is also Rafael but you go by Ted. Is there a reason for this?

Cruz: I just like Ted. It’s my favorite name. My mommy calls me Ted.

Rubio: You’re a god damn immigrant! You were born in Canada! Don’t give me that BS about renouncing your Canadian citizenship! You haven’t even filed out the papers! You’re an immigrant. Go back to Canada and stop taking our jobs!

Psychologist: Calm down Mr Rubio.

Cruz: Yeah, Rubio! Don’t talk to me about citizenship! Both of your parents are immigrants, at least I had an American mother.

Trump: Looks like we got a bunch of criminals and drug lords right here in the room.

Rubio: <outraged> I beg your pardon?

Trump: All you anchor babies are pushed out of your countries because of your crimes. When I, Donald Trump, become president, I will deport the lot of you.

Cruz: Anchor babies? You should talk. You were married to an immigrant. That means your kids are anchor babies. Are you going to deport them too?

Trump: My children are full blooded Americans! My ex wife, though, yeah…. I would deport Ivana in a heart beat. That bitch.

Rubio: So this is about you wanting to get your vampire of a wife off your neck? You’re throwing up the immigrant flag because you aren’t man enough to have her taken out?

Trump: She has very good body guards.

Pscychologist: Mr. Trump! Are you suggesting that you planned to murder your ex wife?

Trump: Hey! I’m the honest candidate here. I’d murder Cruz’s mother if it bought me time on YouTube.

Cruz: My mother? You want to murder my mother?

Trump: You should thank me. She hates you.

Cruz: No!!! Mommy! <Starts crying>

Rubio: Now look what you started!

Trump: Eh, you Cubans are such babies.

Rubio: Take that back!

Psychologist: Gentleman! Stop fighting! Mr. Trump put down that chair! Mr. Rubio give Mr. Trump his toupee back! No, do not stomp on it! Mr. Cruz, please get out of your fetal position and stop crying.

<sound of crying and fighting continues>

Psychologist: I have to declare these guys fit for leadership? This is going to be a long night.


Written by Sue Sierralupe – All rights reserved

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